STILLNESS

As I sit here in the stillness of the night and think about the events of the day and how they played out, I feel satisfied with how I made it thought today.

I made a conscience effort to have more patience and that did help a bit....not to say that I was at all perfect...because I wasn't, but it was an improvement from the previous day.

I am not a touchy feely kind of gal...I have trouble with patience and showing emotions.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't show more emotion...I am not a cryer...I consider myself strong, independent and a "get to the point, no bullshi*t, reality check" woman.

So what is it, within me, that doesn't allow me to show my emotions?

Why is it that I have to be so tough all the time?

Is it my upbringing with three older brothers being picked on all the time?

Was it being a young independent, responsible single mother? Was it marrying a military soldier that was deployed away from us at times?

What is the fear that holds me from opening up and letting go?

Not being in control?

What would be the worst thing that could happen if I opened up and showed my emotions?

Would I feel calmer and closer to peace? Would it in turn allow me to see my passion? 

Would I then realize that I am never really in control?

I think that sometimes because I am such an "in charge" controlling type of person that I don't allow myself to relax and just enjoy life, therefore allowing the allusive "peacefulness" to slip by me unnoticed. 

~Beth